So Close...

I'm in shock.

A failed adoption. Nobody can prepare you for the pain you'll feel when it happens. You know there is always a risk. You try to keep that in the back of your mind, always guarding your heart...just in case.

But when you see a million coincidences - God moments - that make you think this will all work out okay, you can't help but get excited.

When you feel a desperate need to fall in love with this baby from the very first day because he/she deserves nothing less than all of your heart, you can't help but melt into a huge, sappy mess of love and anticipation of their arrival.

And then the one thing you fear the most actually happens. The four words you've prayed you'd never hear...

"She's changed her mind."

I know God's timing is perfect. I know He has a plan. I know there's a reason for everything, and this is no exception.

But right now, it hurts. And, for now, that trumps all sense of logic and reason.

I had a hysterectomy for so many reasons. Mostly because I was physically miserable and fertility treatments would only make things worse, but also because I knew I couldn't handle the pain of another miscarriage.

This feels like a miscarriage.

Jason is disappointed, but strong for me. Jake - bless his heart - is angry and jaded.

And me...I'm devastated.

We were so close.