In the Blink of an Eye...Part Two

In the words of Paul Harvey, "And now...the rest of the story." Well, almost. This is all I could squeeze out because The Princess has awoken!

Quick recap...10 pm Labor Day evening. Phone call. BirthParents. Right...okay.

So Tuesday morning was business as usual. Jason was prepping for a trip to Chicago, Jake was off to school, and I was running errands. Around 11ish, a text came through from our agency director, Tina.  She was meeting with the BirthParents sooner than expected and would let me know how it goes.

Deep breaths. Lots of prayers, although I wasn't totally convinced He was even listening to me anymore.

About 15 minutes later, another text:

"If they want to meet you to know they are making the right decision, are you comfortable with that?"

I said yes, but wanted them to know it would just be me since Jason was headed to the airport. Apparently, that wasn't a problem...

"Would you be able to meet today?!"

"Yes ma'am...Will the baby be there, too? Or just the parents?"

"All three!"

Oh crap. Baby too??? But... But...

I had to have a little pep talk with myself on the drive over. All the heartache and tears over babies I hadn't even met, and I was about to come face to face with another one. I couldn't decide if I was being incredibly stupid or incredibly brave. Either way, I was sure I'd puke at least once before I got there. I texted Jason, and by God's grace he had not left yet. He promised to hustle over to our meeting spot on his way to the airport.

And hustle he did. He confessed a few days later to a speeding ticket he got on the way. Of course, he was immediately forgiven.

Meeting this couple was terrifying, and yet I immediately felt at ease in their company. Both young and clearly just as anxious, they shared their story with me and their reasons for contemplating adoption. We looked through the scrapbook I made and took turns asking and answering questions. Jason finally made it, and he charmed his way into their hearts like he always does.

I got to hold her. And feed her. And change her diaper. And snuggle... Ohhhh, the snuggles. My heart was melting quickly, and I had to pause and remind myself this was not a sure thing yet. All I knew is that I desperately needed it to be. I couldn't guard my heart from this precious girl for long. She was stealing little pieces with every sigh, every heartbeat, every smile.

After lots of talking, BirthMom said she had one last question for me before she made her decision.

No pressure...

"Would you like to be her Mommy?"

That's not what I was expecting at all. I burst into tears. "Are you proposing?!?" I asked in a fit of tears and giggles. And then I said yes.

We signed an agreement which simply indicated both parties were committed to moving forward and pursuing placement, then planned to meet up again the next two days to continue learning about each other and discussing the future.

And then I realized it was 2:50 and Jake was about to get out of school and I was a good 45 minutes away. Thank God for good neighbors who are also good friends. After scrambling for a solution, my sweet friend had everything under control. No need for an explanation - she knew that would come later - just took care of Jake and that was that. Thank you, Melissa!

I put this sweet baby girl back in her mother's arms, said "See you tomorrow," and cried all the way home. I worried about her. I worried about her parents. I worried about me. I called Jason and poured out my heart. We agreed not to tell Jacob to protect him in case this didn't work out. It was the hardest secret I've ever had to keep. For the next two days, all he knew is that Mom was running errands all day. What I was actually doing was planning for us to (hopefully) bring home his baby sister that Friday!

Thursday night, Jake had a baseball game. We decided to take him to dinner afterward and tell him the news. We kept it casual... "Tomorrow, you get to skip school and come with us to meet a couple who are thinking about placing their baby girl for adoption." He was so stinkin' excited, he could hardly eat. We answered his questions, prayed and took one last picture as a family of three before heading home. Tomorrow was a big day!

In the Blink of an Eye...Part One

Things can change so quickly, can't they?!?

Before I dive into our adoption story and tell you how this all came to be, you have to know a little about our summer.

It was awful. That's the short version.

It started out okay. I was working more than I'd planned, but still managed to spend time with Jake. We went on dates, saw movies, played summer baseball with his All Star team. Went to the beach with friends. Enjoyed having Jason home. That was the good stuff!

There was also not-so-good stuff. We filled many days with intensive care for our precious Bruiser as he battled a pair of digestive diseases. Force feedings, scary nights, lots of tears and fears. We could feel him slowly slipping away from us, only to watch him rally and put up one more fight. Such a trooper!

One bright spot during that trying time was a last minute phone call early one morning from our agency. There was a BirthMom in Amarillo. In labor. With a baby girl.

After gathering quick details and passing the news on to Jason, we agreed to pursue the opportunity to meet our baby girl. I flew into a frenzy - packing for me, Jake and Baby Girl. Jason was neck deep in interviews for work, so we agreed Jake and I would jump in the car and start driving. Jason booked a flight. My amazing sister (bless her) also booked a flight. We picked up Jason at the Amarillo airport upon our arrival into town 6-ish hours later, booked it to the hospital and walked in to find out the whole thing was a bust.

The BirthMom had created a perfectly executed storm of lies that left destruction in her path. What should have been an unknown BirthFather situation quickly spiraled into what we could only describe as a soap opera or Lifetime Movie situation. Despite us sharing our hearts and desires to parent, we drove the 6 hours back home stunned and empty handed. While our hearts ached deeply, the ultimate loser in that situation was that sweet baby girl. I pray for her often, that God would keep His hand on her and guide her through a life of chaos and instability and into a world of perfect peace.

One week later, Bruiser died in my arms. He fought so hard, but the diseases were much too aggressive for his little body. Our already-broken hearts were now officially crushed into a million pieces. I felt like there was a target on my back. Like God had forsaken us. I quickly sank into depression and began to question my faith. Were we ever going to get a break?

School started. Sports started. Jason's travel picked back up. I quit my salon job to do some substitute teaching in an effort to have a schedule more aligned with Jake's. Renewed my teaching certificate. Filled out the application. Scheduled my orientation. The plan was to start after Labor Day.

10pm Labor Day evening. Jason was putting Jake to bed when our agency called. Our director was meeting with a couple the next day, and she wanted to show them our profile. I'll admit, there was a part of me that cringed and wanted to say no. I was just beginning to heal from our horrible July and couldn't bear the thought of being heartbroken a third time. After quite a bit of talking and serious discussion, Jason and I agreed we'd always regret if we walked away without trying. So we said yes. They planned to meet at noon. "I'll keep you posted," she said. Hmmm. Okay.

I went to bed that night as skeptical as ever, guarded and assuming this probably wouldn't amount to much. I had no idea what the next few days would hold...

Anger Management

I stormed out of the house this morning with hot tears stinging my eyes.

I feel so angry today about our situation. And I'm angry that someone very dear to me is also having to take risks, endure loss, and wait way too long for her Miracle. And I'm angry that another precious friend is having to pray that the life inside her stays put. I'm so angry for every woman who is struggling...or ever has struggled...or ever will struggle with infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or the loss of a child.

All I keep thinking today is - wait for it - those three words nobody is supposed to say because we're all expected to be content with our current circumstances, whatever they may be...

"THIS ISN'T FAIR!!!"

Sounds childish and immature. But it really isn't fair.

Anyone who knows me knows I'm the absolute last person on the face of the earth to say anything good about myself. One of the hardest parts of our Home Study interview was when the Social Worker asked  what I like best about myself.

Uhhhh...

The first thing I told her was that I think I'm a good mom. What I really wanted to say was that I *hope* people would say I'm a good mom. I do receive compliments from others, so you'd think I'd believe them. I probably should. But I digress...

So why is it that a "good" mom like me - and good moms everywhere, for that matter - have to jump through so many hoops and endure so much heartache before we can be granted the deepest desires of our heart? If children are a blessing from God, why does it seem like so many "bad" moms are blessed while the "good" moms are left empty handed...literally?

It's just not fair.

But life's not fair, is it? And this is just one of the many ways we see that fleshed out in our incredibly fallen and broken world. Natural disasters. Epidemics. Famine. Genocide. None of this is fair.

You know what else isn't fair? That I get to spend an eternity in Heaven with my Creator despite my stupid, sinful self. I should burn in Hell, but thank GOD He loved me enough to become a living sacrifice as atonement for my stupid, sinful self!

It's not fair. It's grace. And by God's grace, maybe someday soon our wait will end, and we will finally hold Joy. And my someone very dear to me will get her Miracle. And my other precious friend will be snuggling and celebrating the life that was once inside her.

Okay. Tantrum is over now. Yay for perspective, right?

"God's law was given so that all people could see how sinful they were.

But as people sinned more and more, God's wonderful grace became more abundant."

~ Romans 5:20

Good Grief

I'm supposed to be at a doctor appointment today, but I'm not. Ouch.

The bold letters and smiley faces in my calendar that shout "BABY DOCTOR!!!" are a cruel reminder that her baby will no longer be our baby.

It's weird. This grieving process and the one I went through with Kate are so different in some ways and so similar in others. The same because dates on the calendar seem emptier knowing we won't have a baby in tow like we envisioned. Different because putting away swings and sonograms and diaper bags and bottles is harder than putting away The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy.

What are those stupid stages of grief I'm supposed to experience? I really hate them...

1. Denial - Check. Although this stage was pretty quick. I literally had to check my call log to be sure I wasn't dreaming. I wasn't. So that one's done.

2. Anger - Check. Not at the Birthparents. It's their baby, and they have every right to choose to parent. No, this anger is directed at the complete unfairness of it all. More of a "What else do we have to endure before we get our baby?" or a "Why is it so easy for some girls/women to flippantly pop out babies once a year, and yet there are so many like us who would give anything for ONE?" Or "God, why would you allow everything to go so well and then suddenly yank it from us?"

3. Bargaining - Check. Mental health professionals say this is equal parts trying to make a deal with God (If you give us a baby, we promise to...) and questioning what we could/should have done to prevent this loss. My first thought after I hung up the phone was "God, seriously? What did I do wrong now?" I'm still struggling with this.

4. Depression - Check. The sadness is palpable - for me, at least. The hustle and bustle of preparing for her arrival has suddenly been put on mute. The house is a little quieter and darker, with a hint of shock still lingering in the corner of each room. The boys have, in a sense, moved on. I'm glad they can do that - in fact, I'm honestly very jealous they can do that. I seem to be the only one who's still broken up over this. It can be frustrating at times.

5. Acceptance - Hmm, not so much. Not yet.

But in the midst of all of this yucky grief stuff, there is still a sliver of hope and faith. Hope that someday soon, we will get another call, and faith that God still has His hand in this, His fingerprints touching every little part - the seen and the unseen, the good and the bad - as He diligently weaves two stories together to create a perfect family tapestry of love, faith, and JOY. I'm clinging to those truths and more as I work through my grief, and I know we will have an amazing testimony to share when it all comes full circle.

So Close...

I'm in shock.

A failed adoption. Nobody can prepare you for the pain you'll feel when it happens. You know there is always a risk. You try to keep that in the back of your mind, always guarding your heart...just in case.

But when you see a million coincidences - God moments - that make you think this will all work out okay, you can't help but get excited.

When you feel a desperate need to fall in love with this baby from the very first day because he/she deserves nothing less than all of your heart, you can't help but melt into a huge, sappy mess of love and anticipation of their arrival.

And then the one thing you fear the most actually happens. The four words you've prayed you'd never hear...

"She's changed her mind."

I know God's timing is perfect. I know He has a plan. I know there's a reason for everything, and this is no exception.

But right now, it hurts. And, for now, that trumps all sense of logic and reason.

I had a hysterectomy for so many reasons. Mostly because I was physically miserable and fertility treatments would only make things worse, but also because I knew I couldn't handle the pain of another miscarriage.

This feels like a miscarriage.

Jason is disappointed, but strong for me. Jake - bless his heart - is angry and jaded.

And me...I'm devastated.

We were so close.