A Little Overwhelmed

So much going on in my head and heart today. Lots of different emotions, and it can be a struggle to sort them out and pinpoint where each one is coming from. I have to do it, though, or I end up suppressing each one. And we all know how unhealthy that can be!


We had all-staff chapel at work today. This was only my second one, so it's still a bit of an experience for me. Let me just tell you - it is AMAZING to gather with so many people who are passionate about the Lord and sharing His love with others! How quickly the room fills up with the Holy Spirit!!! Today was no exception, and I couldn't stop the overflow of God's stirring in my heart from pouring out through streams of tears. I can't remember the words to the song they were singing. All I remember is the unmistakable sense that my Lord was with me, in me, and speaking directly to me.


After Pastor shared his heart, I felt God drawing me to the front to kneel and pray. I couldn't ignore it and told a friend I needed to spend a few minutes in His presence. She offered to come with me, and I'm so glad she did because the second I opened my mouth, I completely fell apart. The only words I could utter were "I'm scared." And my precious friend took it from there. She cried with me. She prayed for peace, comfort, and - this is what I appreciate most - that the Lord would make it known in my heart that He understood my pain and sorrow in losing a dream I'd held onto for so long. Who else can pray such a thing - and so powerfully - unless they have walked the same road? I have a new found love & respect for my friend, and I will always cherish the moment we shared today. I love you, M!!!


What a release that moment was. I had spent the previous night pouring my emotions and anxiety into cleaning my house. I'm pretty sure Jason wishes I'd be "anxious" a little more often now that everything is picked up, the dishes are clean, and the laundry is washed, dried, AND put away (yeah, buddy!). I even cleaned out and vacuumed the minivan! I only wish there was an opposite-but-equally-effective positive emotion that would emit the same response.


Anyway, after several more meetings I was off to the hospital for pre-op testing. My total hysterectomy is scheduled for early Wednesday morning, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't the least bit nervous. I will say this - I am excited about a pain-free future as far as being a woman is concerned! I'm not gonna know what to do with myself. The very idea makes me giddy!


I guess the two negative emotions I'm struggling with today are (1) the finality of what is about to take place and (2) the uncertainty of what life will be like afterward. I'll never be pregnant again, and I think that's the toughest one to come to terms with. Even though Precious Boy was a HUGE load to carry and gave me fits with everything from heartburn to 19 hours of labor, I knew that - after a nice loooong recovery - I would eventually want to carry a second child. I loved being pregnant the first time. I loved feeling him move around, loved his hiccups, loved the punching matches we used to get into (I poked, he punched, repeat, ...). I'm so glad I remember as much about that pregnancy as I do. I just wish I could do it one more time.


Still, in the midst of all of these emotions, one thing remains - peace. I think I finally understand exactly what peace is. It's what you experience when your whole world is turned upside down and yet you  know without a doubt you are right where you're meant to be. Jason and I have been called to adopt. And I wouldn't trade that for anything (not even a second biological child) because it means God has a plan and a purpose for a little girl, and His plan includes us as her parents. What an honor to be a part of that!!!


I'm making my way through several adoption books right now. It's funny because I can only read about 3 pages in any one of them and I have to put it down and take a deep breath. There is so much to process, emotionally and mentally! One of my favorite books so far is called Praying Through Your Adoption by Michele Cervone Scott. I love the portion I read today:


"As we walked the journey of adoption, a recurring theme became 'the fingerprints of God.' They were everywhere. God's hand, God's signature, God performing only what He can do - bringing the people He needed together to complete His plan."


I cannot help but get super excited when I consider the possibilities and promises in store for us! What an amazing story He is going to create out of our lives!!! We are a part of His plan. And we've already seen His fingerprints as we begin this journey. And we wait with excitement and anticipation at what is to come because "...we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28)


*****


Lord, we do love You so very much. We bless Your name for choosing us to join You on this journey of faith. We know that Your purpose is to unite our family through adoption so that others will see Your power working in us and through us. We ask for Your blessing and for continued peace, especially in the days to come, as we bring closure to one dream and begin our pursuit of another. Use our story, God, to reveal Yourself to those who do not know You. Use our family to bring others to the foot of the cross. Thank You for the hope You have given us through Your Son, Jesus. In His name, Amen